This is the second installment in our Healthy Leaders Series. It tags onto the previous installment, Sabbath, so if you haven’t read that one yet, go do that and then come back…
I moved back to San Antonio last week (insert Kermit flail here) and as I was driving back to my friends’ house after work the other day, I came to the last major intersection before getting into their neighborhood. Up ahead, I saw flashing lights, a cop car facing the wrong direction, and a man standing on the median. Naturally, I assumed there had been an accident at the traffic light.
But remember, this is Texas. Was there an accident? No, no there was not. In true Texas fashion, upon closer inspection, I saw a cow walking down the middle of the road.
A cow.
Again, Texas.
Cows have a habit of getting out of their pens and wandering around wherever their little bovine hearts desire if they can find any small space in the fence their farmers carefully build for them. It’s what cows do, and they’re really good at it.
You know who else is good at finding any small space they can squeeze into? People who want your time, resources, and energies. If we’re not careful, our time and energy pastures can easily get overrun with wayward cows.
A struggle every leader I’ve ever worked with has had is figuring out which cows to let in and which cows need a stronger fence. Family cows are generally free to roam in your pasture. Certain people at your job are also free to roam. But honestly? Most people in your life need to learn to stay put in their pens until you open the gate to let them in.
As any leader knows, it can be really, really hard to keep all of your cows where they belong because cows are stubborn and often very much hate fences. Other cows just don’t believe fences apply to them. And sometimes, even good leaders neglect to shut the fence properly and suddenly find themselves stepping in the cow patties left behind.
So, Leader, how can you learn to set and keep healthy boundaries and teach your teams how to do the same?
Commit to a good rhythm of work and rest. Remember that whole Sabbath conversation we had? Yeah, that.
Choose your cows. Decide, in each sphere of your life, which cows are free range and which cows need to be kept in a pen. Some of these latter cows will get some pasture time as needed, but other cows won’t get that permission. It’s ok. They’ll get over it and you’ll be better able to tend to what really needs to be tended.
Check your fences. From time to time, make sure you’re checking your fences. Some fences may need to be moved to let in new cows or set boundaries around previously free-range cows. Some fences might be able to come down completely. And other fences will just need to be repaired or maintained.
Setting healthy boundaries isn’t usually fun. If you’re more extroverted, you may be operating under the belief that you can take equally good care of all the cows. If you’re more introverted, you may be operating under the belief that all of the cows need to be in pens at all times. And in both cases, the cows in your life might just rebel against the fences you need to put around them.
This is not work for the faint of heart, but if you have any plans of staying in ministry for very long, this is critically important work. You absolutely must decide to put up healthy boundaries and to maintain them, no matter how much the cows buck and bellow at you.
Here are three questions to think through as you either set up or check on your fences:
Who in my life is allowed unrestricted access? This has to be a short list, mostly consisting of immediate family, your closest friends, and a select person or two at work.
Who in my life is allowed restricted access? This is a longer list, mostly made up of your direct reports, coworkers, close friends, and your elders or other people who hold you accountable and help keep you healthy.
Who in my life is allowed occasional access? These are your congregants or clients and casual friends—those relationships you want to or need to maintain, but who you don’t need to invest in regularly.
Taking the time to answer these three questions will make a huge difference in your energy levels, and even in how much you’re able to get done every day.
Again, boundaries are hard on everyone involved, but once they are set, enforced, and regularly reviewed and maintained, they make a world of difference. Your close relationships will be stronger. Your casual relationships will feel less taxing. And you’ll find that, in time, all of your relationships will be healthier and happier.
Be strong and courageous, and keep your cows where they belong—for everyone’s sake.
Need some help figuring all of this out? I’m here for you.